I felt kind of like it was trite to have yet another new beginning, but what the hell.

“But there's a beginning in an end, you know? It's true that you can't reclaim what you had, but you can lock it up behind you. Start fresh.”
― Alexandra Bracken, The Darkest Minds

and even better:

“All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.”
― Mae West, Wit & Wisdom of Mae West

I haven't journaled publicly except in snippets on Facebook, or maybe in sermons, for over two years. Looking back at the last time I blogged, it was about six months before I left the life I was trying to sustain. It had become untenable; completely unsustainable. I was holding on by my fingernails or the proverbial skin of my teeth. So the new beginning starts in June of 2013, six months after my last blog post. http://seekingdivinity.blogspot.com/2012/12/frightful-weather.html

It's terrifying to start over. To start over, newly graduated from graduate school/seminary, with four children, at the end of a residency with no solid job in sight. But it's also exhilarating. I kept expecting grief, but it never came. I guess in my heart, I had left long before, so it was just a physical leaving that was a relief and a flight of freedom and grace.

I don't want to spend time in this space describing the toxicity of my marriage and the end of it. Suffice it to say that it's over, gone, kaput. The small connections that remain around raising our children are terse, angry, and full of disappointment. I try to minimize them to a bare minimum.

What I do want to talk about, because this is my space, is how, even though I still don't have a sustainable job and I can't pay my rent this month yet, I am personally (if not professionally) fulfilled in a way that I have never thought possible. Life still has bumps and bruises, but overall, the days are filled with intention and love and peace. I am creating a life for myself that I always wanted, and it is bright with possibility.

My children are thriving. My relationship with my grown daughter is amazing. My 16 year old and I are getting along famously, with little strife and lots of laughter and fun. My grade school children are in a fantastic routine and act like normal kids.

I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man who works hard to have clean motivation in every decision we make together about how to build connections between us.

I have a house that I absolutely adore and that I have, for the first time in 20 years, decorated and loved and embraced and feels 100% like home.

I live in a neighborhood that is so walkable that I hardly need my car. My pets are behaving relatively well and I have wonderful neighbors and friends close by.

I have many things I want to reflect on, and hope to take some time to do it here.